The Life and Times of a nearly perfect girl

Of Mothers Day and Sadness...
Ahhh, the impending sadness of Mothers Day. It's hit me harder this year, I suppose because this year marks 5 years since she passed. Mothers Day was the last time we spoke. I still feel like a horrible daughter for not talking with her more, I know it's silly and useless, but that's a regret I still carry.

I had a full on panic attack on Thursday. It was bad. And it was brought on, in part, by a text from Justin. I'd asked what he and his daughter were up to and he said they were doing arts and crafts for Mothers Day. Thank gad it was in text so he couldn't see the slow decline into full on panic attack. I think it was just the final straw, weeks of Mothers Day commercials and the such and that text (at no fault of his) pushed me over the edge. I ended up leaving work in tears, I got to my car and took two Klonopin (thank gad for pharmaceuticals) and by the time I got home I was fucking high as hell. Nothing mattered anymore, life was lovely again, the sky was beautiful and my heart didn't feel like it was trying to escape through my ribcage anymore.

My roommate was just getting up and was hungry so we went to grab something to eat, she drove. I don't remember most of the rest of the late afternoon and evening, I do know I slept through most of it.

I woke up Friday with a Klonopin hangover, tired but not overly so, mostly just nicely calm. Not a bad way to get through the day. Ha!

Today I'm doing ok, I wish it was Monday already but I'm doing ok. I don't have any clients tomorrow and plan on going to a friends Acoustic show in the evening. I have a doctors appointment early Monday so I don't plan on drinking my way through the evening. I'm worried this will leave my emotions open for full on riot mode but should that happen, I'll deal with it. My Sunday coworker knows my Mom passed and she knows tomorrow will be hard (you'd think I'd learn by now that it isn't a good idea for me to work on The Dreaded Mothers Day) so she's planned a day of silly movies as she has nothing on her books either.

I will be fine. I will make it through tomorrow. I will.

To all of my friends who've lost their Mothers, my heart is with you and please know, you aren't the only one. I will be thinking about each of you tomorrow. Monday is a new day and we're going to be fine.